If you're a person who prefers the grayness of relativity to the "black or white" positions of an absolutist, ultimatums likely make you uncomfortable. But such is the nature of choices - selecting a particular option over another. When we choose, we express a value preference of one thing over another. Oftentimes, that can be a hard decision to make as many things in life are mutually exclusive. This is clearly true in relationships. An ultimatum is different than a threat; whereas a threat is intended to inflict injury, an ultimatum is a condition of a trade: "either do this, or I won't do this." What are your non-negotiables or deal-breakers in a relationship? Have you ever given an ultimatum to someone? Under what conditions is it proper to issue an ultimatum? Do you think ultimatums are an act to control another or a component of exchanging value-for-value?
FTA:
As a seasoned veteran of many a failed relationship, I've been thinking back lately to the times that one person has demanded something of the other- explicitly demanded- and am trying to decide whether or not that's ever acceptable. On one hand, people can't expect to control the person with whom they're romantically involved, but, on the other, sometimes a breakdown in communication occurs and the only way to express your disdain for a behavior is to call for it to cease if the relationship will continue. Sometimes you don't know that those behaviors exist until you're already neck deep in things.
I haven't demanded much of people that I've dated, but when I have, I've always retroactively questioned whether or not I've been in the right. Was it okay for me to tell that boyfriend who taught at a college that I wanted him to tell his starry-eyed former student that it was inappropriate for her to text him at all hours of the night, even though he thought she was just a harmless child? Was it okay for one boyfriend to demand that I stop responding to emails from a former fling who lived halfway across the country? Is it okay for a wife to demand her husband stop spending time with his best friend, a woman he's been close with for ten years? How about a partner demanding that his partner not go to dinner with an ex boyfriend who's only in town for the weekend?
Is It Ever Okay To Make A Relationship Ultimatum?
DISCUSS!
Original posting by Braincrave Second Life staff on Feb 13, 2011 at http://www.braincrave.com/viewblog.php?id=466
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